These days, there’s a buzz in mainstream media and the personal growth industry about the Let Them Theory. If you’ve heard the phrase, you might wonder what the Let Them Theory is. You also might be wondering how to use it, the science behind it, and why it’s effective. This article explains it all.
What is the Let Them Theory, and how does it work?
The Let Them Theory is a positive thinking process popularized by motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins in her 2025 book Let Them. Though the method was popularized by Robbins, you’ll see the idea has origins in Stoicism, psychology, and roots in various religions.
Here’s how the Let Them thinking process works:
If you say, “let them” to yourself when you find you are judging or trying to change another person’s behavior, you remind yourself to let go of the urge to control others’ opinions, choices, and actions, because ultimately, you can’t. The phrase is a reminder to let others do what they want. In doing so, you reclaim your energy and focus. You bring your attention back to what you can control—you!—and away from what you can’t—the thoughts and behaviours of other people.
In her popular podcast, Robbins describes the Let Them Theory as a tool that gives you:
- Emotional freedom: When you let people behave how they want, without reacting, you stop internalizing their actions.
- Power over anxiety: Many people feel anxious trying to manage others’ opinions. Letting go reduces mental load. You refocus on what you can control, and you feel safer and less stressed.
- Clarity on relationships: If someone consistently doesn’t show up for you, saying “let them” reveals their priorities and helps you make clearer decisions about who belongs in your life.
It’s a useful process for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, toxic relationships, and overthinking. In a moment where you notice you’re struggling because you’re ruminating on or annoyed about someone else’s behavior, when you remind yourself to “let them,” you acknowledge that they are on their journey. You create separation from yourself and another person and reroute your thinking and effort back to yourself or another situation or project.
Here are the steps for using the Let Them Theory:
Step 1: Recognize the behavior that triggers you
Notice when you’re getting upset, anxious, or reactive because of someone else’s behavior. Great examples of these situations are when a person does not invite you to an event, or respond to a message, or when they do something you wouldn’t do, or make choices you disapprove of.
When you notice you are aggravated, instead of reacting, pause. Acknowledge your impulse to want to intervene, correct, or judge. This is the moment when you might typically try to fix the situation or change the person. Awareness is your first step back to power because you pause, notice and then you get to choose how you want to act.
Step 2: Say to yourself, “let them”
Use this phrase as a mantra to create separation between you and another person and to make a more powerful choice on how to act. Here are some scenarios where let them applies:
- “Let them leave.”
- “Let them think what they want.”
- “Let them do it their way.”
Using the phrase let them is a way to remind yourself that people have the right to make their own choices, even if you don’t agree with them. Once you’ve acknowledged this fact, then you can move to Step 3, where you shift focus back to yourself and decide what action you want to take based on their behavior and its impacts on you.
Step 3. Shift focus back to you and make an empowered choice on your next action
Once you say, let them, and create emotional separate you can redirect your attention to your needs, goals, and boundaries. The second phrase Robbins suggests is to say to yourself, “let me”. Saying “let me” is a way to consider and decide how you intend to behave toward the other person. While you can’t change them, but you can control how you react to how they behave. For instance, if someone offends you, you can choose to address the offence. Or, you might choose it’s not a big deal in that moment, and decide to let it go. By refocusing your attention on yourself, you “stay in your own lane” instead of getting pulled into someone else’s drama or decisions.
An important point here is that this doesn’t mean you don’t care about the person. Rather, you are practicing emotional detachment, which is healthy skil. Emotional detachment is recognizing others have the right to their autonomy. Truth emotional freedom comes when you stop tying your sense of worth or peace to other people’s actions.
Over time, consistently applying “Let Them” helps you develop stronger boundaries, less anxiety, and healthier relationships, because you’re no longer trying to control what isn’t yours to control. This allows you to live with more peace. It also allows you to put your energy towards great relationships and take actions that get you more of the outcomes you want.
Now that you know how it works and how to use it, let’s look at the science that shows why this is an effective tool. From a psychological perspective, what are you doing when you use the Let Them Theory?
The psychology and science behind the Let Them Theory
Let Them Theory uses a psychological practice called reframing. Here is how that works:
Scientifically, it is widely understood that thoughts elicit emotional responses and cause behaviours, so what you think impacts the outcomes you achieve. A reframe is about noticing your thoughts and making a conscious decision to change them so you achieve a more desired emotional state and behaviours. Everyone in the world has the power to reframe because we are all born with an ability to think about our thoughts, which is a skill called metacognition.
When it comes to relationships, it’s common to get caught up in obsessing about others’ behaviours when they annoy you or impact you. However, all you do in these moments is cause stress and struggle for yourself in a situation where you’re ultimately not in control. A reframe looks like this:
You have a thought like, “why is she dating that idiot?” about a friend. You notice that every time she’s around or mentions his name, you get angry. Reframing this thought is choosing a new thought when you notice you’re in a negative emotional state. Using the Let Them Theory, means you reframe by sayign “let her” and then you might shift your thought to, There is something she likes about him and I don’t get it, but it’s her life, or, I think he’s an idiot, but could I be wrong? or, I’m at work, let me focus on this project instead. All these thoughts are potential reframes that can give you more power.
The Let Them Theory also uses a language cue to remind you to shift behavior. From a scientific perspective, this is a type of method known as neurolinguistic program (NLP). NLP is a practice of using language cues to reframe thoughts. If you changing internal dialogue you can change how the brain responds to situations. It helps people become more aware of how language and perception influence their experience, enabling them to shift limiting beliefs and improve communication. It also works in the opposite way, where you use thoughts to prompt language cues.
Let Them Theory, again, is ultimately about practicing healthy emotional detachment. Emotional detachment is the ability to step back from intense emotional reactions and maintain a sense of calm and objectivity, without suppressing or denying your emotions. It’s a healthy boundary tool in relationships, work, or stressful situations. There are times when we need to notice thoughts and say, Hey, brain, don’t focus on that, and redirect our attention.
On that last point, you might be wondering why we get so caught up in the behaviours of others. The answer is: survival. We are physically built with brain mechanisms that prioritize our survival. Our brain is hardwired to alert us to cues it experiences in our environment that seem like threats. This is why when a person’s behaviour agrevates us because it goes against what we believe, value and have learned, it’s natural to become overly concerned. The good news is, the Let Them Theory is a useful process to override our suvival mechanisms that run but aren’t actually logical and helpful for us long-term.
Origins of the Let Them Theory
The Let Them Theory isn’t an entirely new psychological concept. Similar ideas have been shared for centuries in Stoic Philosophy, Buddhism, and traditional psychology. So why now? The igniting force behind the Robbins was a 2022 poem written by poet Cassie Phillips. The poem, titled “Let Them,” gained significant traction on social media platforms after it was read and referred to by Mel Robbins in 2023. Recognizing its profound impact, Robbins expanded on the idea, integrating it with psychological principles and personal anecdotes in her book. Robbins’ interpretation focuses on the dual approach of “let Them” and “let me,” advocating for setting boundaries and redirecting energy towards self-growth.
Here is Philips’ original poem is as follows:
Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.
Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything, just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you.
The central message here to allow others to act according to their own will. When you do this, you gain personal peace because you can’t control external circumstances and people’s behaviours. This piece resonated deeply with readers, leading to a movement where individuals shared the poem, discussed its implications, and even got tattoos inspired by its message.
Although Robbins and Phillips made the theory accessible to a broader audience, the idea itself is rooted in age-old philosophies found in Stoicism, Buddhism, and modern psychology.
- Stoic Philosophy: Thinkers like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius emphasized focusing only on what we can control (our actions and thoughts) and letting go of everything else. Stoicism teaches a powerful and timeless idea: Some things are within our control. Others are not. This principle was articulated most clearly by Epictetus, a former slave turned philosopher, in his manual for living called the Enchiridion (literally, “handbook”). He wrote: “Some things are up to us and some things are not. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions—in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices.” Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and philosopher, wrote Meditations, a private journal of Stoic reflections. He was arguably the most powerful man in the world at the time, and yet, he constantly reminded himself not to try to control others or external events. One of his most quoted lines: “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
- Buddhism: Practices around non-attachment and acceptance align deeply with the “let them” mindset.
- Modern Psychology: In addition to using the science of reframing, NLP, and emotional detachment, concepts like radical acceptance taught as part of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) echo this idea. They are about accepting reality as it is, without resistance.
So, what should we do? We let them. Let them talk. Let them exclude you. Let them be how they are. This is not pessimism. It’s preparedness. Instead of being surprised or distressed by people doing what people do, let them.
Real-life applications
Here’s how Let Them Theory plays out in everyday scenarios:
- Your partner wants to go out with friends instead of spending time with you. Instead of guilt-tripping or clinging, you “let them”—and observe what their repeated actions tell you.
- A colleague takes credit for your idea in a meeting. Rather than obsess over their behaviour, you focus on your next move or escalate appropriately, without personal resentment.
- A friend cancels plans again. Instead of chasing or confronting, you let them, and choose how much access they get to your time moving forward.
This theory doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care wisely by setting boundaries, detaching from drama, and investing in your peace.
Put Let Theory to the test
Let Them Theory is effective because it is based on reality and science. Your ability to dictate and control the behaviours of others is limited. When you try to control it causes undue stress and often backfires because making people do what you want can easily lead to resentment on both sides.
What makes it most effective is that it’s easy to remember “let them” and, immediately, by using the phrase, we can activate the mindset tool. It is a powerful way to gain immediate freedom because saying it reclaims power.
So, the next time someone disappoints you, disrespects you, or doesn’t behave as you’d like—try saying, “let them.” It’s not giving up. It’s tackling a situation powerfully from a perspective based on reality. And taking back power by considering how you want to behave and conduct yourself, no matter what others do, say, and how they behave.
